a · parliament · of · owls

i broke up with justin two weeks ago.
it was just something that had to be done, for various reasons.
i'm okay though.

i'm going to prom with hobey and hanging out with my old friends.
alex and i are going to reunite soon, i think.
and i'm probably going to alistar's on saturday.
and sunday will hopefully be dedicated to morgan.

i hope justin can be happy with his life. i know he is.
it was me who was holding him back.

i still have so much left to live.

letter. it's an alright book so far. i guess i like hawthorne.

this week has gone by so fast. tonight is lost. tomorrow i'm so busy with scholastic bowl, running, and extra credit in math. plus, i have to start my journalism project.

friday, who knows what justin and i will do. saturday i have a scholastic bowl meet, and saturday night i think jess will spend the night once justin and chris leave. hopefully.
sunday justin has band practice. he finally invited me to go, i get to hear his vocalssssss. sunday night i have soccer.

and i still want to find time to hang out with morgan! sigh.

april 18thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the fear the fear the fear.

is sunday. but alas, my mood is rising, like the temperatures. yesterday was beautiful. i love winter. the sun is always brighter in winter. the snow makes everything clear.
justin and i are completely and totally happy. after the show last night, we came to an empty house. we made butter noodles, i made green tea, and we watched that 70s show wrapped up in a big blanket on my couch. my hair was up and he said he loved me.
i want to learn french, german, and russian. french, so when i'm reunited with my best friend, she'll be impressed and i'll get to speak HER language for once. i miss roxanne so so so much. i miss her french ass. german, because it's useful. growing up, my dad would teach me bits and pieces of german. i like it. russian, because i want to go to russia so badly. plus, it'd be entirely different.
justin and i watched "yes man" on friday. i love zooey deschannel. that movie inspired me (even though jim carey was in it, and i can't stand him) and now i'm just on top of the world.
i want to go to africa and play soccer with children. i want to climb mountains. big ones. i want to leave this city, and leave this state.

i can't sleep in past eight thirty anymore. but i like being a morning person. i want to see punkin pie and peter, paul, and mary and mr. flink. i want to live in a castle and a cottage and a car. i want to soak in culture and love the rest of my life.

livejournal is just for sappy little girls. get out and live.

i've been coughing up a lung. sometimes i like having in cold, but i feel bad for disrupting my classmates. i am constantly coughing. if they're anything like me, a person coughing is the most annoying thing. ugh.
i've decided i'm not drinking soda this year. water is going to be my main liquid source. i never even drink milk, and i only drink juices on occasion. so it will be fairly easy.
i've been writing some short stories. i'd kind of like to put a thing together where anyone who'd want to write some words could put it in a newspaper and then we could all distribute it. a literary zine, maybe. i picked up a copy of the sangamon star at la bamba the other night after the timmy's show, and i really liked it. that's what i want to do, but a more serious approach. i think i'd want to call it "leaves of grass". blahblahblah nobody cares.

i have a scholastic bowl meet tomorrow.

2009 should be exciting.

justin's going to graduate, i'll turn eighteen,
i'll be a senior towards the end, and hopefully get accepted into college.

at the stroke of midnight, i was in a car with justin, alex, and kristin. justin was driving but we kissed and it hurt. i love everything.
at three, william, ian, and brian came over to justin's. chuq was asleep in brian's van until we went to denny's at 6. we played hide and go seek (i must say, i'm terrible at this game), and then we slid down justin's stairs in brian's sleeping bag.
i was on three hours of sleep all day yesterday.

in 2009, hopefully i:
1. bicker less with justin.
2. continue to acheive a better relationship with my parents.
3. find the best friend. she can't be annoying or stupid or materialistic. fuck girls.
4. travel travel travel and see defiance, ohio.
5. am not too negative.
6. don't control justin, vice versa.
7. get a job?
8. keep my GPA upppppp.
9. write a novel/short story/memoir.
10. get in shape for/during soccer, etc. all that health shit.
11. get straight with whatever the hell i believe in, concerning the afterlife, etc.
12. LEARN HOW TO COOK.
13. GET A HAIR CUT.

is delightful. two weeks of freedom. chowder is amazing, donner party of five is amazing, i love all of my friends and dancing and singing and sleeping and staying up late.

justin's been sick all break, and now i have a sore throat. it's okay though, as long as it doesn't get worse. tomorrow night (new year's eve), i'm spending the night at his house. we're having some friends over, etc and whatnot. i'm much excited. i love my liffeeee. why am i in such a good mood? 

i'm sick of reading everyone's entries that only talk about boys. if you don't have a boyfriend, who cares? justin's been my only real boyfriend, before him, i was just like you. but eventually you'll find him and everything will be perfect. so don't worry about it now, and for god's sake, talk about something else. i know it's hard, i was that annoying girl once, too. but save your friends from it. please.

alistair reynolds is my big brother. and i thank him for showing me ernest hemingway.

i don't even know why i write in here.
i hate the internet.
i wish i was prettier, but i know me being insecure is ridiculous.
i have the perfect boyfriend, and he doesn't care how i look.
i have no reason to present myself to anyone.

this weekend was pretty good.
friday night was the show. i love black sheep.
i just hate most of the ladies that go there.
but there are quite a few i wish i could befriend, also.

saturday justin got his tattoo. it's really nice, and i admire him for getting it for mancub.
then we went christmas shopping with becky, alexxx, alistair, and alisha.
i got my mom a picture frame, hah.
we then made spaghetti at alex's and kevin brought the root beer.
becky spent the night, we fell asleep watching gardenstate.
i forgot how much i loved that movie.

today was so meh. the weather, i didn't shower, and me being sleepy
all affected me.
i took a three hour nap and skipped my soccer game.

everyone's really concerned for finals. should i be? i haven't even cracked open my books yet. damn.

i love my life right now. winter's are always the best for me.
last winter was definitely my favorite. i miss roxanne, france is such a long way away. i miss her i miss her i miss her. in my eyes, we opened up life for her. you know? we took her places and showed her things. i hope someday someone can do the same for me.
i miss william. he's always working anymore. i almost miss william and alisha, but she's better with alistair. alistair doesn't yell at her, etc.

let's play some video games.

you are not the sun.

i've had a rough couple of days. justin and i have been fighting a lot...i don't even know if we're still an "item". it's kind of like...he's indifferent, and i'm an asshole. it's really upsetting to think about it. i'm so jealous of myself a year ago. a year ago, it was thanksgiving and justin came over for lunch. then we went to carlinville for an early dinner. it was nice. that's basically how the rest of the eighteen months has been...nice.
i guess all good things can come to an end. and if they really do, then it's whatever. i'm seventeen. i do love justin. but if it's just going to be like this, and he's just going to be like that...i don't know.
i went to chicago last weekend. i guess that's what started it all. i wait for him to call me for two hours..he was with his friends, as usual. but for some reason, he couldn't call me? i don't know. i don't care.
my phone is broken, his phone is broken. it's making it hard to communicate. as i'm typing this, there is a stupid advertisement of a lady dancing. it's really starting to piss me off.
am i cynical? i hope not. as apart from being nearly single, i've made a good friend at my school. we eat lunch together and stuff. it's nice to have someone.
honestly, i know justin will work out. i just know it.

i must say, though, sutter is in love with me. today at lunch, he kept begging me to sit by him. but i didn't. i felt a little bad, but it's whatever. freshman are much too immature. and he can't even grow facial hair!

i need facial hair. i need college. i need more winter layers and cups of coffee and flannel shirts. i need justin here right now, so he could make us coffee and wear his flannel shirt. and hell, we could pretend that we were in college. because that's all that matters. and i would start a fire in my fireplace, and we could "snuggle" and watch a movie. although, whichever movie we pick, the other would grow tired of, because, let's admit it, we have completely opposite movie tastes. or we could watch 'in the land of women', which i believe is the ONLY movie we agree on...it's strange.

my fingers are freezing. i miss romeo. he's been at my aunt's house all weekend and i need to go pick him up sometime. i have a headache. but typing is making this all better. except for that damn dancing lady on the right...what has she got to dance about?

perhaps i'll go make some pasta. or tea. or both. i'm not sure. i'm never really sure of anything anymore, really. i think i'm going to by a track phone or whatever, because it's cheap, and it'll last me until i get my upgrade. my stomach is hollow, i need some food.

i really need to do some volunteer work for NHS. i'm really upset that they took our artwork down to put up pictures of stupid basketball teams. you can really guess what my school is in to...sports.

tomorrow the art club is going to the festival of trees. i hope it's fun. i wish laura was in art club.

i miss everything in life. i want to make a comeback. please let me come back.

i never write in here anymore.
right now i'm currently getting the chills, and watching ellen degeneres. i like her.
this weekend was fun. william got a new tv, so we played video games..and i was terrible at it, of course. then we went to alex and kristin's new place, it's cozy. i want one.
saturday i went to my uncle's birthday party. he's jewish, and he loves me. he told me i was beautiful. anyways, after that justin and i went to blacksheep. i can't say enough how much i hate metal, but i guess it was good to see everyone.
sunday we went with alistair and alisha to some boy's house. we played scattergories, and what's black that starts with an 'n' is a terrible thought. "not half of me" is what christina ended up putting. i like her, too.
now i'm just sitting here doing absolutely nothing. it's quite a terrible feeling. i have a headache, and last night i didn't go to soccer because i felt queasy. i've decided i'm going to either do my persuasive essay on censorship, or how the american dream doesn't exist anymore.

i know this is lame, but i've decided my favorite celebrities are: kiera knightly, mary-kate, casey affleck, zooey deschanel, jude law, and angelina jolie.
i've been looking at my mum's people magazines too much.
there are probably more that i just can't remember. basically any boy with a scruffy face, and any girl with cute hair.

i'm going to chicago this weekend.

it's really nice outside. i know i'm wasting my day, i can feel it. justin works 2:30-11:00pm. i was going to go out tonight with my friends, but they've all made their excuses by now. were they just not going to tell me?
i registered for school yesterday. i guess i'm doubling up on english. i have mixed feelings about this, but i'm sure i'll be fine. 
i'm pretty tired and i've been looking at all of the pictures on my computer. i found some of dear franny and i, just before she died. i started crying. i remember the night before she died, my mom and i made a big "playground" for her. she liked it. i started crying, because i knew she'd die during the night. then i woke up to my mom saying, "yes, she's gone..." it was terrible. though i only had her for two weeks, i was miserable. 
we buried her in my backyard.

alas, now i have romeo... and he's a bastard, that romeo. 

nobody reads these. i prefer my actual "journal". why does everything have to be so technological these days? pen and paper has never failed us before. 

best hummus flavor: greek style. 
lemon juice, garlic, and oregano.
amazing.

i'm not very good at the whole internet thing. or live journal. bleh.
want to help me get a pretty layout like everyone else has?

i have to go pick my sister up soon. justin and i saw that batman movie that everyone talked about yesterday. it was pretty good. the only thing that upset me was that it was heath ledger's last film he'd ever make, and you could barely recognize him. it's a shame.
anyways, i'd like to point out that i feel a bit self concious because i am the ONLY person of my friends to have a picture with my whole body in it, let alone my whole face.

WHY ARE ALL YOU PRETTY GIRLS CUTTING HALF OF YOUR FACE OUT OF YOUR PICTURES?  
or trying to hide your face?
i don't get it. really i don't. you're all beautiful.